Not My Holiday
by essenceofsparkle
Summary: Christmas is right around the corner, but not everyone is in the holiday spirit.


This time of year always left a bitter taste in his mouth. Everybody was getting so overly optimistic it was nauseating. As people seemed to grow more and more optimistic, Buck's mood only worsened. Of course he was happy for their optimism, but it was hard for him to share in their joy. This year, he couldn't remember any time earlier when he was more moody. This year he had people living so close to him that there was no way he could escape the hassle and cheeriness of Christmas. Lying down on his bunk after supper he though back on what had happened earlier on this particularly horrible day.

Buck had never had any sort of relationship to Christmas. He paid no mind to the fact that it was December. The village in which he lived in until was twelve had never heard of Christmas, and the four years he spent at the Mission School, he had spent time avoiding having to do any part in all the holidays that they celebrated. It was his revenge, of sort, for not being able to practice his own beliefs.

The day had started out as a pretty normal day. While mucking out the stalls, Lou McCloud, one of the other riders for the Pony Express, approached him.

"Hey Buck, what do you want for Christmas?" Lou's like that. Always looking out for the people that she cares about and making sure that they are happy. Buck liked that about her. In fact, there should be more people like her in this world.

"Lou, you don't have to get me anything. You're my friend and that's more than enough." It was the best excuse Buck could come up with. It was the truth, and he didn't think people needed to give each other presents in order to show how much they love and care about each other.

Lou looked him in the eye for a few moments and he looked back. "Buck, you are the most stubborn man I have ever met in my life. You know that as well as I do, and you shouldn't be proud of it." With that she stomped out of the barn. It was then Buck knew that he should have asked for a book or something like that. Being the reason for an angry Lou was like eating glass. She could be a spitfire.

Sitting down in his regular seat at lunch, Buck noticed that everyone was looking at him funny. He decided that he was going to focus only on the food on his plate. He had a feeling about what was about to happen. Cody was the one to break the uncomfortable silence.

"So you've never celebrated Christmas?" He looked at Buck in disbelief. "Never had a Christmas tree or present?"

"No," said Buck. "It isn't really my holiday." He hated the way Cody was looking at him. Staring like one would at a freak in a sideshow.

"That's horsemanure! Everybody should celebrate Christmas." Lou spoke up.

"Not everyone Lou, I'm not a Christian. Why should I celebrate a religion that I don't believe in?"

"Because … because … Christmas is something that everyone should celebrate because it's a time for taking extra good care of each other." Quite satisfied with that explanation, she smiled.

"So we don't take care of each other all the other days of the year?" Buck didn't wait for an answer. His anger was rising."Seeing as you had to think before you answered, I doubt that Christmas means as much to you as you think." Buck regretted opening his mouth as soon as the words were out. Yet, he wasn't about to apologize because he knew that he was right.

"I'm really sorry, Emma. I'm not really hungry. May I be excused?"

Emma had never expected Buck to act the way that he just had so in surprise she just nodded. Buck mumbled a thank you and walked outside. The cold December air bit at his cheeks and making him put his arms around himself. He'd left his jacket inside and was only wearing a shirt. He wondered why it was always warm in the barn as he opened the door and the cold disappeared from his body.

"Hey, girl. You mind some company?" The mare snorted and shook her head. "Thanks girl."

Buck grabbed for a currycomb and entered her stall. Brushing her hide in long and smooth strokes he calmed down some, but still not enough to go back to th bunkhouse and his friends. Hearing footsteps, Buck turned slowly, silently hoping that it wouldn't be Lou. It wasn't that he didn't like her, it was just that he didn't want to have to explain himself right now.

"She's really sorry, you know," Ike signed. He knew that his friend would probably be in the stable all day just to avoid everybody.

"Then why isn't she the one talking to me now?" Buck asked in a calm, but irritated tone. The last thing he wanted to do was to scare the animals.

"Because she knows that you will refuse to listen to her." Ike looked at his friend in a show of what he hoped about the situation.

"What is it that's so damn important about Christmas anyway" It's respected that I don't go to church on Sundays because I don't believe in God but, I'm required to celebrate Christmas? It doesn't make sense. For me, it's just any other day."

Ike was about to mention the presents and the tree and everything that he remembered about Christmas from his own childhood, but he knew that Buck held no stock in material things. It was also something Buck had never experienced before. His rant about how silly it was to put a tree in the middle of the living room and dressing it up, was not one that needed repeating.

"Because it's a time for family to come together and celebrate that they're a family."

Buck thought long and hard about that one. His brow furrowed and he chewed on his lower lip. "Ike could you tell the others that I'll be doing to chores in the barn today. Call it my Christmas present." He wasn't really ready to admit defeat just yet. He also knew that he shouldn't have been so harsh with the others, but right now he just wanted to be alone.

Ike stormed out of the barn, thinking that if he could talk he would be muttering curses all the way. He simply couldn't believe how stubborn Buck could be sometimes. Once he had his mind made up, it would take more than a herd of wild buffaloes to change this stance on any current situation.

When Emma announced that she was going into town for supplies, Buck said that he would take car of hitching up the sleigh. He had stated that he would do all the chores in the barn today and he was going to do them even if it cost him his life.

"Here Buck. I thought you'd might want your jacket." Emma stood next to Buck as he fastened the last of the straps Buck smiled a weak thank you. "You know that there's always a place for you in the bunkhouse."

"I know. I'll come back when I'm ready." Buck put on a smile, albeit a fake one. "I know you think that I'm overreacting, but I don't want to lose my beliefs."

"You'll never lose your beliefs. It's a part of who you are that will always be there for as long as you allow it to be." Emma placed a hand on one of his shoulders and drew him into a hug.

"Thanks Emma." This time his smile was real and he hugged her back.

"You just remember that now." Emma connected eyes with him to make sure that the message was clear.

"I will."

Still, Buck didn't feel right about things. Ever since the last time he had spoken with his brother something had been troubling him. Red Bear had told him that he belonged in the white world. Did that also mean that he had to let go of his Kiowa beliefs and become a Christian? That didn't make any sense at all, but in a strange way it did.

It was night before he walked into the bunkhouse. Everybody were asleep, which suited Buck just fine. Knowing that he had an early run tomorrow, he didn't feel like talking to anyone. Most of the day he had spent thinking and taking care of the horses. The thinking he could have done without because he hadn't reached any conclusions.

The following morning Buck was up before anyone else. He was glad for that. That way he didn't have to make any explanations. Picking up the saddlebag he had prepared last night, he was about to ride out when Emma approached him.

"Don't forget this," Emma smiled as she handed him a bag of food. "Just a little something for the road."

"Thanks a bunch," Buck smiled back before he kicked his horse into a gallop.

Emma pulled her shawl tighter around herself as she watched the young man disappear into the midst of snow. If only there were a way she could make Buck see the joy in Christmas without him feeling like he was losing a part of himself. She had an idea.

After breakfast Emma gathered everyone and asked the to write a letter to Buck explaining their favorite thing about Christmas and why.

"Why's that?" Cody asked.

"To help Buck see that Christmas isn't only about celebrating the birth of Jesus."

"If that's what's been bothering him, why didn't he just say so?" Kid mumbled under his breath. He hunched over just a little when Lou elbowed him in the ribs.

"Maybe he just doesn't like talking about things that's personal," Jimmy said in a low tone and everybody looked at him. "Just saying."

"Jimmy's right there. Personal is personal," Teaspoon concluded. "But that doesn't mean we can't turn a frown around." Hooking his thumbs in his red suspenders, the old ma smiled as all of his charges nodded in agreement.

xXx

When Buck came home two days later, he got the feeling that the others were keeping something from him. He tried to talk to Ike about it, but he had brushed him as being paranoid.

All the secrecy was making Buck feel depressed. He watched as everyone went about preparing for Christmas. No one asked him to join in and help out with the decorating ir stringing the popcorn.

From observing, Buck noted that preparing for Christmas was different here than at the Mission School. At the Mission the rules and regulations just got a whole lot stricter than what they usually were. Here things were more relaxed. Even Jimmy gave stringing popcorn a try. That was, until he was tired of pricking his fingers and getting blood all over the place.

Cody had made a wishlist the size of Texas. Something that made Buck feel disgusted. All that man ever thought about was himself. In the end Buck decided he wasn't going to worry about it.

One thing he did enjoy about winter was making snowmen. It was the first game Ike had showed him When he was in the village, no one had time to bother with him. Plus, he got to stay inside a lot, all wrapped up. He was so little for his age and his mother was worried about him. In the evening his mother would tell stories and for a few moments he was no longer in the village.

"You look about a million miles away," said Teaspoon as he sat down next to Buck on the porch swing.

"Something like that." Buck let out a small sigh. "Just thinking about the past."

"Good or bad?"

"Good I think." Buck looked up at the older man. "I think I'm gonna turn in early. It's been a long day." With that, he feigned a yawn and said his good nights.

It was the twentieth of December and Buck didn't really feel like getting out of bed. It seemed that no matter where he went the other guys would stop what they were doing so he wouldn't see what they were up to. It was probably none of his business, but by God he wanted to know. He didn't feel secure unless he knew what was going on around him. Knowing that there was no way that would happen, Buck settled down with a book. Reading always took his mind off of everything that was real.

xXx

Tomorrow Christmas would be here and over the last few days he had become more or less obsessed with thoughts of Christmas. Why, he didn't know. The day had never meant anything to him before. Feeling Star Gazer's warm fur against his cheek Buck sighed and walked back to the bunkhouse, knowing that lunch would be serves in the matter of minutes.

Conversations around the table were light and cherry. Well, everyone's except for Buck that is. He remained in his now very much familiar gloomy mood.

"Buck, you all right?" Cody asked finally.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Buck finally answered after a minute of everybody looking at him. He hadn't noticed everyone looking at him before their silence had caused him to look up from his food.

"Seems to me that you're as sad as … well you're just plain sad."

"Well, I'm fine," Buck said it a little louder than what he had expected. Turning a light crimson Buck mumbled an apology and went back to his food.

Buck didn't have any chores after lunch so he sat down in his bunk and began to read. It was hard though, because Emma was bustling around, putting up decorations all over the place. Finally he just gave up and walked outside to talk to Teaspoon.

"You sure there isn't a run that you could send me on? Some last minute Christmas mail or something..." Buck pleaded. He'd do anything to get out of Christmas hell. When Jimmy began whistling carols things had gone too far.

"Nope," Teaspoon said for what must have been the hundredth time. "And even if there were there's no way I'm sending any of you guys out the day before Christmas. Emma would never let me live it down."

Knowing that the battle was lost Buck went back into the bunkhouse and continued to read.

xXx

When Buck woke up the next morning he found that he couldn't move even if he wanted to. His stomach hurt too much to even think about anything else but the pain. Every muscle in his body tensed to the point that he couldn't open his mouth to speak. It was like he was curled up in a ball even though he was lying straight on his back.

"Buck, what's wrong?" Lou asked. Buck had no idea how much time had passed between when he had woken up and now.

"It hurts," was all he was able to choke out. Everything was kind of blurry after that. Someone had gone out to get Emma and Teaspoon. At least that was what he figured from the chatting going on around him. Ike sat next to him holding his hand and wiped the sweat off of his brow. Buck tried not to look at Ike. When the Doc arrived he sent everyone out of the room.

"You sure picked one hell of a time to be sick. Where does it hurt?" Doc had meant it as a joke but the look on Buck's face told that it had been taken as anything but.

"Stomach," Buck croaked, feeling as of he were losing every breath left in his body.

"Does it hurt when I press here?" Doc asked and Buck screamed out in white-hot pain. That was the last thing he remembered before everything went black.

Everyone barged through the door but Doc shooed them back out. Once everyone was outside he pulled Emma and Teaspoon aside.

xXx

When Buck woke up the first thing that he noticed was that he were no longer in the bunkhouse.

'_That's strange,' _he thought. He didn't notice that Emma was in the room before she felt her holding a glass of water to his lips, Buck drank some but then turned his face away. "What happened?" He demanded.

Emma didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Buck had been in an out for nearly three days and now he were finally all in. "Doc had to operate. Your appendix burst."

"Oh," Buck said thoughtfully. "I'm sorry," he said then. "Didn't mean to ruin your Christmas."

"Don't you fret about that none. Just concentrate on getting better. Buck, there is something I have to ask you. Why didn't you tell anyone that you were sick?" She smiled warmly.

Buck didn't answer right away. "Everybody was having so much fun opening their stockings and gifts that I didn't want to bother them."

"Buck, Buck, Buck..." Emma shook her head and Buck knew that he had somehow disappointed her and he apologized for that. "Buck you were sick! You should have said something!" Knowing that Buck felt uncomfortable she smiled and put a hand on his shoulder. "You just rest now and you'll feel better in no time."

"Thank you Emma," Buck smiled weakly. He had really grown to like it here at the Pony Express.

"I'll go get you some tea. Oh, and your stocking is at the bed side table."

Waiting for Emma to return, Buck struggled somewhat to sit up. True to Emma's word there was a bright red and green stocking with his name embroidered on it with golden letters. It was nice that Emma had made one for him even after all he had said about Christmas. He really didn't deserve it. Reaching over for the stocking, his stomach tensed at the pressure.

There were a bunch of letters in there, a candy cane, a gingerbread man and a pair of knitted socks. Buck smiled. Emma always worried about them freezing when they were out on a run.

Opening the fist letter Buck recognized Emma's handwriting.

_Dear Buck_

_I know how you feel about Christmas and your Kiowa beliefs hold my deepest respect. But I also want you to know that Christmas isn't just a holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus, it is also a time to celebrate that days are becoming lighter and the days are becoming longer. I want you to take part in that celebration. Therefore I have asked each of the boys to write you a letter where they explain what their favorite thing about Christmas is. _

_When I was a child I remember my father gathering all of children and he'd tell stories until daylight appeared._

_Love Emma._

Opening the second letter he found it wasn't really a letter but a drawing. Buck was surprised to find that it was signed Jimmy in large childish-like letters. The drawing showed a living room where a man and a woman were decorating a tree while three children peeked out from the doorway.

The third letter was from Cody.

_Hey Buck,_

_Emma asked all up us to write you a letter to help you see the meaning of Christmas. When I was a kid my mother and all my sisters used to make gingerbread houses. Each year it would be grander than the last. Like my mother always said; "The sky's the limit." One year we went for a three story building but it fell down before it was really up. _

_Cody_

_PS. It's never a good idea to eat too much dough._

Buck had to chuckle at that. Cody, always thinking about his stomach... He proceeded to open the one he knew was from Ike.

_Buck,_

_I know that you've felt like I've been trying to push a Christian holiday on you since the day we met. But Christmas isn't all about religion. It's about the whole family going out into the woods to find the largest tree and struggle to get it in to the living room because the tree is bigger than the door. It's about drinking hot chocolate while Dad tells stories. It's about celebrating family._

_Merry Christmas,_

_Ike_

There was a message in what Ike had written but Buck still didn't understand why family couldn't be family the rest of the year.

_Buck,_

_There is really just one thing that I remember about Christmas from when I was a kid and before I went to live at the Mission School. Christmas was the only time of year that my father wouldn't get drunk and violent. Don't know whether or not this serves the purpose of this letter but it is the truth._

_Kid._

Buck sighed and put the letter aside.

_Hey Buck,_

_When I was a kid, my mother would take me and my sister and brother out for a walk. No matter how cold it was we always walked to the top of this hill and then we'd slide down and we would do that until the cows came home. _

_Lou_

Buck remembered doing the same thing with his brother. It was the only time it seemed, that Red Bear wasn't being serious.

_Dear Buck,_

_Emma asked all of us to write this letter which I think is a really neat idea. When I was a kid, oh about fifty years ago, Christmas was a special time of year. We didn't have a lot of money but during Christmas it seemed that trouble went right out the window and we could afford some extra luxury, like a new pair of boots and a candy cane and all sorts of sweet tasting treats. Also, during Christmas the whole family, aunts and uncles and everybody and their cousin would come visit from all over the place and we'd have this great extraordinary dinner with every sort of food that you could ever imagine. (Am I sounding like Cody now?) You can say that it was the birth of Jesus that started the holiday,y but it was the love of family that kept it together. _

_Aloysius "Teaspoon" Hunter._

Buck smiled his brightest smile as Emma walked in the door with his tea and smiled back at him.


End file.
